Days of...lemons.

You know the saying, "When life throws you lemons, just make lemonade outta 'em". Well, at certain points, life does pelt me with lemons. Very sour ones. Loads of them. But what happens when I'm not exactly armed with a juicer to deal with the yellow citrus fruit?

That's the question I'd like answered.

It sure felt like this question was plaguing me for almost the whole of this week.

I reported to work due to official involvement in certain school and departmental events over a course of a few days. Within these days and prior to these events, I've had to endure:

1. A last-minute instruction for me to go through a few pages of notes designed to explain what is to be expected for an event that involves a large group of people but which this same group of people was clueless about, simply because the one person who's organising it does not like to conduct any meeting or briefing and is always vague about her ideas even when approached about her event personally. What's up with that? I mean, if you organise something and require the presence and assistance of so many of your colleagues, isn't it just right for you to let them know beforehand what they are expected to do and the rationale for certain decisions? Why keep people guessing till the day of the event? And is it fun to send out an email over the weekend, telling your co-workers to read the attached notes on a Sunday before the event on Monday, when previously you refused to provide concrete details about the event when asked?

2. Biased decisions that promote somebody's own interest on the pretext of wanting to benefit several other groups. This involves pressurising these other groups to conform and be involved when the one who stands to gain the most is none other than that person herself.

3. Lack of respect for fellow colleagues. I never like anyone treating me or any of our colleagues as a child or student who has to be talked down to. I'm not the confrontational type, so you never have to deal with me in an intimidating manner. I am a professional at work. I am an adult. If you need something from me, speak to me like one. And don't go putting all the smiley emoticons in your SMSes when trying to resolve a work conflict when you don't actually mean them. It just goes to show how much of a moron you think I am, not understanding the sharp daggers you are throwing at me behind those pretentious smiles. Oh, and don't go demanding people to be present for events that don't actually require their contribution at all when everyone is so busy with other work commitment. It just makes people feel plain foolish sitting there and thinking of how much they could have accomplished if they were elsewhere.

4. Job confusion and power struggle. I used to know exactly what I'm in charge of, and how to go about doing my job. Even if I stumble at first, I will find my way eventually and get things done. Now, with the absence of an HOD, I'm assigned to take over part of the HOD's job, but someone else in the department likes to claim that she is the 'biggest'. Not that I've anything against that. In fact, if you wish to take over the leadership role, by all means, go for it. But don't keep saying that you make all the decisions and yet keep coming to me and telling me that I'm in charge when you need someone to clear some rather unpleasant duties. You obviously enjoy the limelight of being regarded as the head, so why point the finger at me and say I'm the one in charge at times, just because you don't want to do certain things. So now who's doing what exactly? I no longer know. But I WILL find out. I need to, or the line will always be blur.

There are several other 'lemons' that I can think of, but the above beats the rest. More days of 'lemons' will come, I know. I certainly dread the thought of bidding farewell to my days as a stay-home mum and having to be physically present at work, facing people who make the workplace a less pleasant one. I can only hope that I will be able to handle this transition well, so that I can still return home a happy wife and mother at the end of the day. An unhappy mum makes a bad mum, and can do more damage than good for her baby.

It's time to start building my juicer.

A night...of remembrance.

Last evening, an ex-schoolmate of mine confided in me a tragic experience that she's going through lately. Just a couple of days ago, she underwent surgery to remove one of her fallopian tubes. The reason was that she'd discovered that she had an ectopic pregnancy, which is an abnormal pregnancy that occurs outside the uterus. The foetus will not survive, and it could lead to serious complications that might even endanger the life of the mother if the pregnancy continued. This shocking discovery came just mere hours after learning, with much joy, that she was pregnant for the first time. She is currently recuperating at home, but finds herself breaking down uncontrollably from time to time as she thinks of her loss.

This sorrowful encounter brings to mind my own experience of having to deal with the loss of an unborn child in the first quarter of last year, just months before Justin was conceived. Hoping that I could somehow comfort my friend, I exchanged a series of messages with her through FB and shared with her this experience that not many people who know me are actually aware of. While typing to her, I felt a vague pang of grief as I recalled what had happened -- how I had carried the hope and joy of having a child, only to have fate deal me a cruel hand by taking that very child away from me so abruptly, without even giving me a chance to get to know and love him/her.

But had fate been thoroughly cruel to me? My friend, after learning about this part of my history, told me that if she could be so upset after a few hours of knowing she was pregnant, it must have been much worse for me, for I would have been so much more attached to my unborn baby than she'd been to hers. I must admit, throughout the period of ordeal, I was looking for someone to blame. If there was indeed a Heavenly Being, why didn't He protect the tiny life within me? Why did he allow its heart to stop beating, just like that? Why did he punish me by shattering my life and hurling me down to the depths of painful sorrow, when I had done nothing wrong?

However, thinking back, I must say that there are others who have gone through worse traumas than me. There are mothers who have lost their child, whether the child was five or fifteen, or even older. Just imagine how these mothers felt during their grieving period. They'd given birth to and raised their child, came to know their child, protected their child and loved their child for a much much longer time. At least, I was fortunate enough to have no vivid memory of this one that I'd lost, save for a few black and white pictures of him/her when he/she was still alive in my womb. And even though I would never meet him/her, the joy that this unborn child had brought to me in those first three months of pregnancy would not be forgotten, for it was this child that had allowed me to savour the very first taste of being a mother. And the loss of the very same child has taught me to cherish my firstborn even more, and realise how much of a miracle it is for life to occur in the womb and be presented to the world nine months later.

Last evening was truly a night of mixed emotions as I thought of all these. I felt a simultaneous sense of melancholy and bliss. I also thought of Justin and how I'd feel one day if he was robbed from me forever. It's a question that Hubby has posed to me before as well. I have no detailed reply for him; I simply know that my life would be certainly no longer be the same, and I cannot even bear to think about how I would cope with the painful memories of my sweet baby boy's adorable expressions and behaviour, as well as the times we have spent together, bonding as mother and child. Even just imagining this now hurts. It's just like imagining that something has happened to Hubby, and that he wouldn't be coming home anymore. It would be too painful. Just too much to handle.

I sincerely hope my friend would be able to manage her loss and recover emotionally. It's good that she has a supportive husband as well and would be going away in June for a holiday elsewhere. This would allow her the much-needed change of environment to help release her mind from the sad experience.

I wish her all the best, and I hope her desire of having a baby would be fulfilled in time to come, just as how I'd been blessed with Justin.

Great movies related to parenting.

Stories reflect life, and some films tell the best stories to make me reflect upon my own life.

Hubby and I are still stocking up on our DVDs. A few weeks ago, we even blew over a hundred bucks on just DVDs alone at one go while out shopping. My taste in movies hasn't changed; I'm still enjoying action-adventure, romantic comedies, perhaps a few horror films even (none of those very gory ones though -- my eyes simply stay glued-shut half the time, no matter how much others around might attempt to cajole me into opening them, which totally defeats the whole point of even watching them in the first place). Recently, however, I've begun to take interest in a new 'genre' of films.

These are the ones which revolve around the theme of parenting. I realise that when browsing through DVD racks in stores, I now pay a lot more attention to those DVD covers that show babies, families, diapers, milk bottles... ok, you get the idea. Basically now, as long as I spy a film that tells a story of parenting, especially those set in more modern times, I'm more than willing to bet that I'd want to watch it. I guess being a mum now makes me appreciate such stories much more than before, as I can relate pretty well to the ups and downs of being a parent, as well as what happens when people try to take care of a baby.

Anyway, two films that Hubby and I watched lately are "Motherhood" and "Life As We Know It". Great films! The former depicts a story of a day in the life of a terribly stressed-out mum of two who tries to successfully organise and host a birthday party for her little girl. Several challenges and new experiences await her. Amidst the absurd and sometimes hilarious situations she encounters, one can sense the mounting level of stress she suffers as she goes through the day. It captures the very real picture of how a stay-home mum has to multi-task to the max each day and how trapped she feels in her own little social world, regardless of how much she loves her children.

"Life As We Know It" also includes comic elements, but there's a certain sense of tragedy involved as well. Two singletons who simply cannot stand each other find themselves the appointed guardians of their suddenly-orphaned baby goddaughter. They then have to go through a whole series of plans and routines in order to cope with their new roles as caregivers, not to mention each other as well.

Both shows feature very real aspects of parenting life -- the difficulties and anxieties faced when caring for a baby, how couples have to work through issues together etc. Before Justin came into this world, I  did a lot of reading up on coping with a new baby and the various routines to consider for him. While the new knowledge helped to a certain extent, it did turn me into a bit of a stickler, always thinking how things had to be done so that everything could turn out ideal. In fact, I constantly stressed myself out thinking the worst whenever there appeared to be a problem with Justin. Why isn't he drinking enough? Is he drinking too much today? Why hasn't he started drinking more milk and at longer intervals? Why isn't he sleeping through the night yet? Why is he crying while feeding? Blah blah blah. That certainly didn't help much to alleviate the problems then and, over time, I came to realise that while it is understandable that I should worry as a new mum, I had to include space for some flexibility in the way I did things and also let go of certain idealistic plans.

Rearing a child is a lifetime commitment. This is only the beginning for me. New situations will certainly arise as and when. With them might come new stress and anxieties, but ultimately, we as parents have to deal with them in a way that suits our own baby best, regardless of what books or the Internet might say. In the end, guidelines are just guidelines. If we can follow them and they work, great. But if reality doesn't really match what is said, we just have to consider the next best option and work around the problem. Ultimately, whatever method we choose to use, the most important objective in our parenting roles would be to ensure that our child grows up happy and healthy. It's certainly a long road ahead, but with each experience, a new lesson is gained, and that should count towards some improvement...

A day...for mothers.

Have I already mentioned how happy I am to be mummy to my beloved baby boy? Despite having to deal with interrupted sleep, mini tantrums, piercingly loud wails, stress of breastfeeding or expressing milk and, in the previous months, the problem of gas-induced colic, all it takes is a sweet, sweet smile and tender look from my baby to make me feel on top of the world again. It's as my own mother has said before, being a mum means crying when your baby's crying, and smiling along with him when he breaks into a smile. It's all quite natural to anyone with a sense of maternal instinct.

This day, I celebrate the fact that I am finally one of those whom Mother's Day was created for. It's always been my dream to be a wife to a man I love, and mother to perhaps 2 or 3 adorable children. Yes, beneath my seemingly strong, career-driven exterior, I'm actually just a housewife who would be contented just to stay home to cook for her husband and play with her children. But alas, with the high costs of living and having children in this country, I have no choice but to succumb to being a working mum so as to provide more for my family. Nevertheless, the thought that I actually CAN provide a better life for my family by working helps make me feel better about returning to work. Not 'good', but at least 'better'!

Anyway, my very first Mother's Day celebration began with a happy mother's day greeting and kiss from Hubby some time around midnight. And then when morning came, I opened the bedroom door to find my baby boy bright-eyed as he always is in the morning, and comfortably seated in his red stroller, which was facing me. Hubby had positioned him there so that our baby would be the first thing I saw that morning. "Justin actually wanted to wish you a happy mother's day, but he didn't wanna disturb you in the bedroom, so he decided to just sit here quietly and wait for you to open the door," said Hubby. Awww. What a lovely tale to start my morning. :) And then, the rest of the day was spent going to my in-laws' place for lunch and then to my parents' place for dinner, as we wanted to celebrate the day with two other important mothers in our lives. Then my own celebration ended with us coming home and Hubby taking a picture of me cradling a sleepy Justin. I'd pestered him to take a shot of us just so that I would have a picture of myself as a mother on my first Mother's Day.

For our own mothers, Hubby and I had decided to place orders for cakes from The Ritz-Carlton, baked specially to commemorate the occasion but, more importantly, to raise funds for Operation Smile Singapore. We only had to pay a little extra to have the cakes delivered to our parents' doorstep.

The Valrhona Chocolate Banana Cake.

Absolutely yummy; not too banana-ish or sweet.

This year, instead of the usual jewellery or ornament, I'd decided to get my mum selected Chinese recipe books from the Chinese section at Kinokuniya. She cooks very often and likes learning about new dishes and their nutritional values etc, so I thought it'd be nice to get her a few comprising recipes that I know she would like to try. I also wrote her a note in Chinese (gosh, I haven't written Chinese characters in soooo long!), thanking her for all the years of cooking for me. It's a short note, but I must say it's the most mushy I've ever sounded to her. I was glad to see that she seemed delighted and interested in the books, and I'm sure she felt touched by my note as well. It felt really good making her feel happy.

All in all, this was a rather happy day for me. The only anti-climax was that I returned home with the sniffles, which I suspected was the onset of cold or flu. Let's hope it doesn't take too long for me to recover!

A day...of polling.

To tell the truth, I'm no fan of politics -- in my own country or anywhere else in the world. I do occasionally follow certain news covering some of the bigger issues and events, mainly out of curiosity or just to participate in coffee talk, but that's about as far as I would go. Heck, I can't even recite the names of all the ministers here!

This year, however, is slightly different. Ask me what happened during the previous GE and I'll simply shrug and say "I don't know. I don't care." But this year, although I am still no avid follower of GE 2011, I must say that my interest in the recent happenings in this arena has increased by a margin. What actually sparked off this mild increase in interest was a youtube video that Hubby showed me one day. In it, a certain 27-year-old dressed in white, who happens to love Kate Spade, running for candidature, stamps her feet in a mini tantrum when asked a question during an interview and says what has now become an infamous line: "I don't know what to say!" My goodness. And then, of course, there's this other pretty young thing who emerged as this Kate Spade fan's rival in this political contest. She caught my attention in the beginning for being confident and mature for her tender age but, unfortunately, over time, I simply grew tired of her solemn ways of speaking.

It's actually a good thing that there are such personalities in this year's GE. It all adds to the excitement and I believe having such fresh faces around makes the younger generations less apathetic. Just one look at my FB home section and you can see lots of comments about what's happening in this arena this year, even among the teens. In fact, I get quite a lot of updates reading other people's status and comments. The fact that my own constituency was contested also added to the interest.

But most importantly, this year's GE will always mean something to me because it's the first time I walked to a polling station to place my vote with 2 people very dear to me -- my hubby and my 11-week-old baby boy, Justin! Yes, though it was just a stroll to the void deck of a nearby block and then to the reservoir and around the neighbourhood following the voting, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's during such walks that I feel absolutely blessed to have my own little family whom I love so much. After all, it's a dream come true for me! :)

Because this year's GE has been quite full of hype, I can just imagine myself, years down the road, recounting to Justin what some characters once involved in local politics were like when he was a mere baby. Haha.

Ok, time to finally sleep. Perhaps I shall dream of my baby boy running for government with other babies tonight. Hmm...a party made up of drooling babies, wielding milk bottles and pacifiers, babbling their rally speeches? That should make a fun dream...

Introduction.

Hello, I'm a typical working mum in Singapore. Ok, technically speaking, I'm not working yet, but I will be in less than a month's time. Yes, I'm allowed four months of maternity leave, and my time at home attending to the needs of my firstborn, nurturing him and watching him grow day by day will end come late May, a day, in fact, before my own birthday (Yaay, Happy Birthday to me.) What an irony. Singaporean working mums are given four months of maternity leave when the World Health Organisation strongly advocates total breastfeeding for at least the first six months of a baby's life and, going by what the lactation consultants at my hospital of choice as well as all the breastfeeding pamphlets I received and the mummy's magazines I've read say, direct breastfeeding is the way to go. How on earth do we do that when those of us who have to work are required to return to work after just four months? And even if we do manage to express milk while at work, surely the level of work stress and inconvenience would affect the amount of nutritional milk we can pump to take home to our baby. I mean, there are those of us who are in jobs that force us to be constantly on the go, sometimes even leaving little time for a breather, much less time to lug our precious breast pumps to a private room, sit leisurely and express for 15 minutes. By the time you're done cleaning and washing up, plus storing your breastmilk, almost half an hour would have gone by. And considering how stress can affect the amount of breastmilk expressed, I think I'd count myself very lucky if I could still pump the usual amount of milk during those 15 minutes while forced to mentally keep track of the time and recall what task to focus on next upon returning to my workstation.

Oh, but I digress. Do not be mistaken. The whole point of me establishing this blog isn't to whine about how life can be so unfair to us working mums living in this competitive little red dot on the world map. In fact, I'd much rather my mum-oir contained happier entries although I know that, from time to time, there might be less than positive musings and recounts. After all, I AM more than happy to be a mother for the first time to my little baby boy. It's been challenging, hence the late start of this blog, but overall pretty satisfying thus far. Therefore, let's look forward to my next entry which, I hereby promise, shall be one that portrays more joy. :)